I know you know that I am lonely .. perhaps,its the only reason why I love you so much .. why each night I make sure you are in deep slumber before calling it a day .. but then,that is all to it.
.. and last week I lost another one of my dearest friends .. can say,I lost my didi .. one of the sweetest angels this world could ever come across. In a way I was hoping to meet her sometime soon .. but, that is the problem with reality .. We keep planning to live and one fine day, death decides the wait isnt worth it .. You start losing your friends and its intriguing, as if suddenly you begin feeling jittery with every single breath you take .. I owe her my grammar(so,have to be extra careful in writing this one).. She made me understand Wren and Martin .. a very adept book .. I still remember the way she used to bribe me with 'finish this assignment as soon as you can, and I'll allow you to watch the weekly 9 pm series(Alif Laila/Tehkikaat/Naya Nukkad etc.. )' that was in 8th std .. Wow .. its been such a long time .. And I'll always remember the way she would get all mad at me and not talk,whenever I would grow my hair long. That trenchant style .. those discrete words, 'Aye, tu kya apne aap ko hrithik roshan samajhta hain ?'(even though hrithik never boasted of his love for long hair) .. those words still ring in my ears .. put a smile on my face .. still !!
Nowadays, quiet often I find myself wandering in that distant and abstract space they call Conscience .. questioning myself about an aspect that by default didnt need any reasoning .. Days fly by as I watch this world commit the same fatheaded mistakes which I mastered at some point in my pointless life or am still subduing.. I have tried unsuccessfully to shield myself from any sorts of comparisons or expectations .. Maybe the only flaw is,we tend to look at things in terms of compedition or personal gain/loss .. Maybe the only point that matters is,how well you handle the serious issue of living a life when you actually know what 'Living' implies.
In a way, this being busy with job is a great thing .. It helps you not think about your life .. many uncomfortable questions can be avoided .. but they will catch up with you, sooner than later .. and when they do, its so unlike that carefree person you were .. you feel like a jackass of the highest order .. and trust me the only time you could have done something to avoid this precarious situation was when you decided to become one ..
Ultimately, you get some time to think about your transient life and to question its waywardness .. that is when you figure out, the mind had been tossed like a football in the midst of angry,spiked legs ... it feels as if you were slowly being impaled .. by a blunt crave .. straight through .. and its like all the while you watched with utter disregard as it sashayed in but never felt the need to block it .. then suddenly you realize there is nothing you can do about it now... but continue .. watching .. continue .. dying a slow cliched death.
For a self-proclaimed people watcher, I have learnt a lot from these humans .. I have realized,after a certain point in your life, Love is the only 'not a' thing that matters .. that one cares for .. No Ambition, No Imagery can deter you then .. We are ready to put in any sacrifice it commands .. for, thats how difficult it gets to walk alone when we are at the most stable in our lives .. I have witnessed love stories blossom .. I have seen hearts perish .. and the former still gives me a thrill .. trust me,there's no better feeling than loving someone and being loved in return .. Almost every friend of mine finds it hard to beleive I never had a girlfriend .. and it aint such an important virtue afterall .. dont want people to spend their time digging for the most elusive of answers .. The other day one of them came up with an ideal rhetoric .. she concluded .. maybe I am not boyfriend material .. maybe ..
I know you love me despite all my wierd qualities or they might be the ones that help you stick to me .. and I only wish I could give you much more than I already have .. then I think of what more may I ask of you, and realize I still have one 'ask anything you want' wish pending on you ... and like a true idealist I will have my wish one day .. till then I may continue being the jackass you so eternally Love .. yours for the moment being..
A brief, though pre-emptive stoppage -xx-
